i was in a fairly good mood this evening. this mood changed just after a call to someone, who i found unreasonablly missing at that moment. it's nothing wrong with the call itself, but it's wrong with the intention i try to make, it's bad intention i guess. have you experience in your life, sometimes, you know what you should do, but you cannot be able to act accordingly. it makes me feel like being defeated by my secondary desires. all the efforts made before was just in vain.

i alread made a mistake on her, i should let her go. and also to free myself. i dont know why it still keeps me with her in another way. i've to confess i dont have too much affection on her. we had good time, yes, but never feel the way that like in relationship. therefore it's a special friendship. before the only thing, keeps us going is only her affection on me, and my wrong attitude towards the relationship. all the things are wrong, and that has been realized long time ago, however i've been lazy to correct that mistake. you know that, when you find something is not crucial to you at the moment, you'll usually be lazy to correct it, even you know that it was wrong. plus that thing gives you other pleasures as well. therefore i'm mentally being weak to correct this mistake.

that's a shame on myself. in your life, once you've made so many mistakes, if you dont correct it. you cannot expect you can get results in the future. i need to face this, that's the only way i can start my new life, otherwise i will be always walking on the same spot on this issue.

never wrote this thing down before, my mind is always being lazy on this issue. i guess this is a good intention to correct my mistakes.

it's quite late now, 3am already. there will be a long day waitting for me today!

good nite

Simon

i was reading the news this evening. one thing was really annoyed when i got to know that U.S. used the Phospherous as weapon in the iraq last year. this arised another hidden massacre in the Iraq. for those dont know the phospherous, it's a extremly poisonous chemical material. after it contacts on the human body, the flesh borns down to the bone. people die in big suffering. it was banned in the international prohibition weapon treaties.

the pictures of dying people in that news are extremly disturbing. i just cannot calm myself down, when i'm thinking recent years the crimes american have done to the Iraq people and to the world. how ugly the american government is. as a world leader, is that the role model any other ambitious countries should follow.

even more, after the italian news agent reveal this secret. U.S. government is still trying to cover it up. and tend to play language game to avoid the accuse by saying the use of phospherous was only trying to use as screen in the attack. it's damn bullshit, there are so many less poisonous screen can be used and much cheaper than phospherous, why they still choose to use that. the only reason is it can win the war for U.S much quicker, regardless how many civilians were killed in the war.

In today's world, we need a highly rational government to be a leader. to lead the rest of the countries to walk towards a better future. however, the better future also needs the humanity. down to the earth, we are human being. we cannot bear that our benefits is building up on some people's suffering. that benefits will be lost due to the loss of humanity. The U.S. government needs to have a reflection on this, otherwise, it should be replaced by a better government.

it makes me feel better when i'm writting this down. i realize the style and wordings in this entry is fairly random, due to the strong angers coming into my mind. apologize!

Simon

Reflections on my recent searching of the happiness:

 

The idea of doing this project is all starting from un unhappy state of mind on this summer.  Despite the fact that I should have nothing to be sad about.  In order to understand the nature of the happiness, therefore leads a better way of life.  I began my journey of searching of happiness. 

 

Before I started my journey, I’ve a question of ‘what can make me happy’ to bear in my mind.  Then along the journey, I started to write down all the answers to that question. And hope at the end of the day, I could abstract something from the answers, and then perhaps come up with a logic way to find one’s happiness.  (Stupid dreamer, you might say, however, if that dream can keep me happy, I’d like to dream always)

 

************************************************************************

13^th Aug Saturday

The first thing I did after my summer placement is starting doing the sports. I felt quite unfit for the past month, maybe due to a bad cold at the beginning of august, still not feel recovered from that illness.  A recovery programme is set up.  I start swimming regularly, every the other day.  It’s really enjoyable. After a while, I felt my health is back.  My state of mind became happier than before. 

 

15^th Aug Monday

I returned to Nottingham today.  4-hour travelling has been enough to make me tired.  However, a quarrel between me and the porter in the HuStu make it worse.  And it leads to a fact that I have no where to stay overnight.  Finally I decided to call ice, I knew him being around, but not sure whether it’s a good time to bother him.  After the call, he generously ‘adopted’ me( I felt I just like an abandoned child at that time) ; finally I got somewhere to stay. 

 

At that time, I felt the warmness in my heart.  Not simply because he offered me an accommodation.  When I’m in such an awkward situation: dragging a two suitcase and a backpack for 4 hours, and rejected by the people who I’m used to be nice to.  I’m starting to wonder the people and this world ( very childish, I know).  Both my physical and heart felt exhausted.  Just at that time, someone held hand out.  You know, how I felt.  I valued it much more than just a help.  I felt the happiness.  It’s such a strong feeling.  It’s happiness from discovering a genuine friendship.

 

21^st Aug Sunday

I had a trip to Oxford today with my colleague from work.  The best reward from the trip is: I discovered an astrolabe in the history of science museum in Oxford.  It’s an ancient astronomical instrument, its many uses including in finding the position of the stars and sun, determine the local time of any events happened in the sky.  It’s so cool; I only read it from book, however, never saw it by own.  There are only two oldest one left, one is in the British Maritime museum (Greenwich), and the one in Oxford is also the largest one. 

 

I bought a small model for rewarding myself for learning the universe.  I knew I could use it to observe the night sky.  However, it’s not very easy to figure out how it works.  But I have plenty of time for me to do so. 

 

 

24^th Aug Wednesday

In the light of finding the happiness in Art, I travelled to London today.  My destination is Tate modern museum.  It’s Frida Kahlo’s first England exhibition.  This Mexican origin artist was considered to be the most influential figure in last century.  Her paintings to me are too fiercely.  I can see the fire and sense the pain in her paintings.  This kind of feelings has never been that overwhelming before.  Even I saw Van Gogh’s late life paintings when I was in Amsterdam.  

 

Later I learned something about artist’s own life experience.  It’s just similar as most great artists’: tragic, distressed and melancholic.  The starts of her pains are all expressed in her painting named ‘The Broken Column’.  At that time I start wondering, what create the ‘Art’? The uncompromised life experience of artist? The pains? The bitterness? The broken heart?  All these sort of things give the artist sparks to create the ‘art’.  It’s something abstracted from the life and above the normal life.  Therefore it provided the higher joyfulness and happiness.  At the end of exhibition, there is a quotation from Frida Kahlo on the wall: I’m happy, as long as I can keep painting’. 

 

On my way back on the train, I was just sitting there, thinking ,thinking and thinking…… I guess there is a pleasure on my mind. 

 

03 Sept Saturday

Today I finished the ‘Plato’s five dialogues’.  I’ve been reading it for the past two weeks.  It has given me a lot of pleasures.  It’s a little book only 154 pages, I carried with me wherever I go.  I aint very fancy to read a very big book recent days.  Simply because I know I’m never gonna finish it.  My last book ‘Ana Karinina’ has about 1000 pages, I still left about 300.

 

It’s a classical text book for the philosopher’s and a great entertaining book for normal people like me.  Some serious problems also raised in that book, such as justice, human virtue (goodness), attitude towards the materials,fame and wealthiness and relationship between your soul and body etc. lots of questions we haven’t thought very deeply recent days(maybe for me).   Give you an example, you know sometimes we want to travel from one place to another, if we don’t know the way, we surely need a guidance.  After several times, we might know the way by ourselves.  At this stage, we have our opinion about the directions.  As long as this opinion remains, it always can lead us where we want to go. Then that’s fine.  However, I guess you must experience this, if you haven’t been travelled to that place where you used to go for a while, you find yourself can be easily getting lost, and have to ask someone in order to get there.  That’s because your opinion does not tie down in your mind.  In another word, it haven’t transformed into knowledge.   Knowledge is the true opinion after account of reasoning (reflection), and tie down in our mind.  One has the knowledge will always succeed.  Then it makes me thinking, reading a lot of books are probably not going to make one very clever, if you just simply read and do not do the reflection afterwards. It seems you have a lot of ideas passing through your mind; however, none of them will be yours.  You haven’t transformed any true opinion into your knowledge.  That’s why people say we need read wisely.  Well, that’s just a simple example.  There are lots of precious arguments like this in that book. 

 

************************************************************************

I regard the above five diary entries as the first hand materials for me to inquire the meaning of happiness.  I’m not expecting that to be complete, simply because it is not. Besides, my little project is still undergoing.  Based on the materials I have got so far, I’ve summarized some essential factors to keep me in a fairly happy state, they are:

• Regular sports;
• Books;
• Occasional travelling;
• Find a good friendship;
• Art & music;
• Learning new things;
• Help people to make them happy will also make myself happy;
• Always keep someone in your heart, that’s really sweet.

(The last factor is I just added recent days, haven’t written anything on that yet)

 

Moreover, I can categorize the above factors into two obvious groups, namely, physical and mental. And I realized the mental ones are higher than the physical’s, in term of the power to give you the pleasure.  For example, you must experience in your life, reading a book or appreciate an art work can satisfy you much more than just having a nice meal.  That’s because the mental pleasures are superior to physical pleasure.  However, the physical factors are as important as mental’s.  As they serve the grounds for man to enjoy the higher happiness.  Same example, if no good meal, we’ll soon suffer a health problem. Therefore prevent our ability to enjoy the higher pleasure.  So we always need to balance between these two, in order to make ourselves being happy.

 

However, I’m aware at the very beginning that there is no ultimate answer to this question, plus every person has his/her own vision about happiness.  What I’m trying to do is, as I stated at the beginning, finding a better way of life for myself.  And I’m truly believed that man has the power to know, to acquire, and therefore has the rights to enjoy the happiness in the day their living.